For People Who Collect Too Much
Got game? Not unless you count Candyland. Got milk? Not since I weaned my daughter, thank you for asking. Got stuff? Ah, now you're onto something! I have stuff - all kinds of stuff. I'm a lifelong, chronic collector and over the years my condition has worsened.
I realized how bad it had gotten this week, when we put up five new shelves in the living room, each one measuring 12" x 43". Rummaging through a few closets, drawers and cabinets, I was able to fill these shelves in under an hour, without breaking a sweat. I proudly display things most folks would be happy to decorate their curbs with on trash day. I currently have on display old radios, vintage phones and two really cool early TV sets. I even have the 1954 Arthrophonic hi-fi that matches the one console TV. I collect cocktail shakers, barware and all sorts of kitschy 50's kitchen stuff in pink and aqua, naturally.
My Father-in-law pointed out to me that I also collect salt and pepper shakers. I denied this. He counted five different sets on display. I said I didn't collect them; these were more of an accidental accumulation. These weren't conscious acquisitions; they just sort of happened. He nodded in complete understanding.
Poppa Paul is my kindred spirit when it comes to collecting. He and I are vying for the coveted "Martha Stewart on Acid" decorating award. He is a shoe-in for Miss Congeniality, as he is a much nicer person than I am and cuts a striking figure in an evening gown.
Poppa Paul collected antique tools for years and had his prize finds displayed in a barn behind his house. When he sold the lot the barn was on, the tools migrated inside his house and are displayed in very creative ways in the downstairs den. Not everyone is comfortable hanging out and watching TV with a pitchfork or hay bale harpoon over his or her head. The first time I went in there after he had redecorated, I nearly sliced my wrist open on a 200 year old cross-cut saw hanging near the light switch. I got everyone a tetanus booster before our next visit.
Poppa Paul's breakfast nook and parlor is over run with some 50 odd toasters. Shelves loaded with toasters of every conceivable design hang over every window and doorway. Antique vaporizers, mixed with assorted alligators, dominate one bathroom. The combination acts as a subliminal message for the importance of keeping one's sinuses and pores clean, and flossing. The rest of the house is creatively interspersed with all sorts of Rube Goldberg-influenced kitchen gadgets and household appliances. His collections spill forth from the confines of the house onto the porch, into the yard and around the goldfish pond. Let me just say that I've see few homes which have both a cast iron pot-bellied stove petunia planter, an antique gas pump and a sea serpent as lawn ornaments.
I feel guilty that I was the one to introduce him to eBay. He became good friends with the UPS guy. He had to stop only because his shelves were groaning from the stress and so was his marriage. It is amazing that Poppa Paul does not collect divorce decrees, but for some reason Bubbe has hung in there through forty years of collecting phases and crazes.
Bubbe is a woman who walks on eggshells. She is not a true collector herself. That is, if you disregard her Imelda Marcos memorial shoe closet. She doesn't really understand the urge to collect. No matter how careful she is, once in a while she will let it slip that she fancies a certain thing - for example, black Wedgwood or Limoges hinged boxes. Quicker than you can say, "Is that your best price on that?", Poppa has scoured, shopped, eBayed, acquired, and arranged Bubbe's new collection.
It takes a special kind of love and tolerance to live with a chronic collector. I guess over the years Poppa Paul has learned how to not cross the line. I should take notes. If she ever does toss him out, he knows he can't live with us because our collections aren't compatible. But, I would be willing to take custody of his Perc-o-Toaster until he found a new home.
Posted by mayor at April 7, 2005 11:28 PM
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