Hip and Edgy

I used to be hip and edgy and now I'm hip-y (as in two pregnancies and years of exposures to the cruelties of office chairs and gravity) and I'm on the edge much more than I'd care to admit.

I used to be hip and edgy and now I'm hip-y (as in two pregnancies and years of exposure to the cruelties of office chairs and gravity) and I'm on the edge much more than I'd care to admit. I'm much closer to 40 than 20 - much, much closer, and my definition of 'excitement' has changed.

I used to drive way too fast in a worn-down-to-its-primer, 1977, V-8 Chevy Nova while hopped up on caffeine. I did most of my reckless speeding in and around Flint, Michigan - home at the time to Autoworld, Halo Burger and more than a few tense autoworkers who didn't take kindly to their Camaros being tailgated by some chick in a beat Nova. I used to go white water rafting and tubing. I thought nothing of packing up between college semesters to work and live at an ashram half way across the country. Scrubbing toilets for a guru seemed like an adventurous thing to do.

So hold onto your hats. Are you ready to hear what I do for excitement these days? I let my kids snack at my desk while they raid my office supplies or use their edutianment CDs. You parents of small kids, your knees just went weak didn't they? I know, I know, it's totally insane and I'm a wild woman! For those of you stifling a yawn - let me put this in context for you.

I'm a writer, a cybershopaholic and an email junkie. Therefore, my desk is the center of my life. My computer, back-up discs of my work, my files, my clips, my favorite pen all this stuff is in, on, or around my desk. I am one juice box away from disaster.

Sometimes when I'm waiting for a webpage to load, just for fun, I will try to identify the fingerprints left on the monitor and take guesses at the Jackson Pollockesque smears that remain behind on the glass covering my desk top after what I thought was a 'harmless' snack of raisins. Hmmm, that one looks sort of like a bunny in a Laundromat...

Not surprisingly, one day my CD drive died. With much worry and trepidation I took my beloved computer to the local 'Nerds r Us' and had a new drive installed. Not long after, in fact 93 days exactly - I know this because of my 90-day warranty - the new drive stopped working. I returned it and within the hour the computer guys called to tell me it was ready. I went to get it and was greeted with the sound of the entire staff snorting with laughter over my simple stuck CD. My son had somehow given the computer a CD wedgie. They were mystified and highly amused that I didn't know the ol' paper clip trick. They didn't charge me because I agreed to let them post me as their "techno-moron of the week" on their website.

Then one day it happened. My computer wouldn't boot up properly. I checked for stray gummi bears in the equipment and then tuned it on and off a few times - my usual fix-it-all tactic - nothing. I panicked and called my tech support pal Wayne because I couldn't face going back to Nerds r Us. Wayne knows computers and he has a five-year-old son, so I figured he would know what to do. He coached me over the phone, but nothing worked. I hung my head in despair and noticed the 'escape' key was depressed even more than I was. Looking more closely, I could see there was something wedged in the keyboard holding down the escape key. Excited by my discovery, I shouted into the phone "Sure, the ol' iguana toe in the keyboard problem!". From time to time the kids accidentally knock the guardian iguana from its perch atop the monitor. During one of those humpty-dumpty moments, a toe apparently snapped off and lodged in the keyboard. I hung up on Wayne who was helplessly snorting into the phone.

I suspect Tom Clancy doesn't write under these conditions. Inexplicably, this dull existence of his yields best sellers. Poor guy, all alone at his pristine desk. It's a wonder he can even spell pfkj'igdkjt, I mean excitement. It seems someone was playing with glue sticks again, it could be maple syrup. Does anyone know, are keyboards dishwasher-safe?

by Bonnie Coy

Posted by mayor at March 16, 2005 10:03 AM

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