Love is Blinds

by The Cybershopaholic

Mental illness or gender differences, you decide. Here are the facts as I understand them. My husband, decided he couldn't possibly continue to ride his bike without investing $200 additional dollars (that's US currency) into an already expensive bike that only he rides and only upon occasion. Occasion being usual things, like visitations from key figures in the Bible. His riding apparel, for reasons of safety, comfort and unbearable lightness of being, has more than enough sparkle, spandex and padding to please even the most discriminating Dolly Parton impersonator.

I know this sounds suspiciously close to revenge shopping, but when he spent 200 bucks on bike shoes and pedal upgrades, I felt more than justified redecorating the den. It wasn't a complete redo, just window coverings.

My good pal Michele in Michigan tells me about this amazing deal she found locally on window blinds. For the normal cost of covering one window, she will be able to buy blinds for her entire sunroom. This is a cost savings equivalent to the GNP of Luxembourg.

I have been waiting to replace the hideous, cheap plastic mini-blinds in my den for years, but my frugal nature just wouldn't let me write a check for mere blinds that totaled more than the cost of my entire college education. Also, Mr. Tour de France stated in front of witnesses, that rather than covering our windows with expensive fabrics, he would just as soon have real bricks installed. Bricks are cheap and they'd last a lifetime, he reasoned, completely missing the point, as well as the DNA needed to comprehend 'window treatments'.

When my buddy told me about her deal, I had to get in on it. Naturally, Clyde's House of Blinds, Trailer Hitches and Garden Gnomes Galore doesn't do mail order. I don't think they fully trust the federal government or 'revenuers' as Clyde likes to call them and the postal service is just the IRS in drag as far as he can tell. Michele, having the proper genetic material to understand not only a great deal, but the joy of really nice window coverings, happily offered to handle picking up and mailing me my new blinds.

I dialed Clyde's number and I hoped he didn't distrust New Yorkers as well as Feds. Most people in Michigan believe all of New York State to be one huge New York City. Of course, this isn't true. Where I live in Upstate, New York, you could hold a gun to someone's head and they still couldn't make a decent bagel. Once I asked a local store employee if he sold lox. He asked if I wanted one with a key or the combination kind. Even though I have been a New Yorker nine years longer than Hillary, our new senator has, I have managed to hang on to my Detroit accent. Clyde was none the wiser.

I got him on the phone and trying to establish a rapport, I said "Hey, Clyde, this is Bonnie". Silence. "Never mind, I want to order some blinds. My friend will pick them up for me. No, I'm all set on garden gnomes, I'm sure they are real cute and would indeed look swell next to the Maytag on my lawn. I realize they are portable and I could take them with me if I ever needed to move my trailer. You're right, that sure is handy."

I hung up and did my version of an endzone dance. I toted up the hundreds I had saved and counted my blessings while I was at it. I was grateful for guys like Clyde and for having a pal like Michele, who was willing to provide window covering consultation services long distance, as well as act as Levelor liason.

Mr. Wonderful walked in on me mid-celebration. He was unimpressed. I think he was secretly jealous that I was able to dress a room full of windows for less money than he just spent dressing his feet. He causally let it drop that the bike shop got in some new 'hydration systems'. Translation, bag 'o water in a backpack with a long straw. I guess his clip-on sports bottle is passé. That's OK, so is my sofa.

Posted by mayor at April 1, 2005 11:35 PM

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