Purple Haze and the Seven Dwarves
During my recent cold/flu misery, I detoxed from coffee. I just couldn't stand the taste. Not that I could taste anything anyway. I was so pathetic that not even coffee wanted to be my friend anymore. But, when my persistent, racking cough just wouldn't let up and I was feeling as if I might accidentally cough up a vital organ, I dragged my sorry self to the doctor's and got some prescription-strength cough medicine. This stuff is a funky grayish purple color and the closest description I can think of is similar to what I imagine drinking poster paint sweetened with saccharine would be like. Mmmmm, smooth.
The nasty glop took care of my cough mainly because it rendered me unconscious. The label said, "may cause drowsiness". That's like putting a label on a carton of Haagen Daas that says, "If eaten completely in one sitting, may cause weight gain". Ya think? So I was left with a choice of either coughing up my spleen and staying awake during the day, or taking the cough medicine and going into the purple haze. I decided to take the minimum dose and started drinking coffee again to try to counteract the "drowsiness". The only thing this accomplished was to make me grumpy, which was perfect because I was already sleepy, dopey and sneezy. I just wanted to be healthy again. I had hallucinations of being Snow White, singing cheerfully while going about my household tasks; I ended up being the dwarves.
Speaking of dwarves, my kids were completely over their illnesses at this point and feeling feisty. My daughter decided to move her wake up time from 7:30am to 6:00 am sharp, just to emphasize how chipper she was feeling.
Did I mention that I am not, nor have I ever been, a morning person? Jane hits the deck running - this includes her mouth, especially her mouth. She'll be three in April and she is wringing the last savage drops out of her terrible twoness. She is contrary, demanding, extremely verbal and very loud. She wakes me up by yelling at me. I am convinced she was a sadistic Marine Corps drill instructor in a previous life. After a cough syrup-induced hangover the other morning, I swear she was standing at the foot of my bed screaming, "Get up you worthless maggot and make me my breakfast, now! Move! Move! MOVE! Oh, and please lift me onto the potty will you?"
My daughter is a child of unusual tastes who will request anything from Wheaties to Spaghettios with meatballs for breakfast. Occasionally, she will ask for beets or walnuts, just to keep things interesting. Sometimes she will ask for all of these things in rapid succession, taking a sample of each and rejecting them absolutely. I don't argue anymore, I just open a can of beets, or dump a handful of walnut pieces into a dish for her and wait for my coffee to brew so I can be almost civil. As soon as the coffee's ready, she demands her share. She is the only toddler I know who loves unsweetened coffee. I dilute it heavily with milk and tell her repeatedly that she it will stunt her growth, but she wants her "coppeee" and there is no peace until she gets it.
By the time my son gets up at a more humane hour, the kitchen looks like Emeril went on a rampage. Bam! What a mess. Harry is the opposite of his sister. He needs to be awake for a good while before he wants anything to eat and by then, it's lunchtime. He wouldn't go near coffee if his idol Buzz Lightyear himself rode through our kitchen on Juan Valdez's burro and handed him a freshly brewed cup. Hmmm, perhaps I should speak to the doctor about those possible side effects again.
The good news is that the cough is fading and my caffeine levels are approaching "functional". I guess things are getting back to what passes for normal around here. The children, chaos, clutter, cabin fever and thank goodness, my computer, all seem to be about where I remember leaving off before I got sick. Next year I am definitely getting a flu shot with a double espresso booster.
Posted by mayor at April 4, 2005 10:17 PM
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