Ridiculous or Sublime

by The Cybershopaholic

Need 'em or not, I love gadgets. My gizmomania goes way back to watching TV with my older brother. When I was 3 and Dave was 13, he was often charged with baby-sitting. He took the sitting part literally and resorted to all sorts of holding techniques to keep me still so he could watch in relative peace.

He loved 'The Man from U.N.C.L.E.' and 'Star Trek'. No fidgety little sister was gonna keep him from spy missions or space exploration - not to mention babes in Saran Wrap bikinis. With no choice but to watch, I became fascinated by all the gadgetry. Communicators, walkie-talkie pens, and transporters were all metallic magic to me.

Technologically speaking, I'm still three years old. When I see deals posted on Palm Pilots, I get all excited. I want one! But then I have no idea what the heck I'd do with it. If I buy a pilot for my palm will I need accessories like a copilot for my wrist, a navigator for my elbow, and a personal flight attendant to follow me around and spill coffee in my lap?

I really want one of those robotic dogs. I may get one "for the kids". It will satisfy my gadget lust and my son, who has been lamenting his 'petless' status, might accept it in lieu of a real dog. Best of all, I don't have to follow it around with a plastic bag on my hand.

Then there are those gadgets that I just can't fathom, but I'm sure lots of people feel they can't live without. I'm hoping I never run into these people. Here are a few examples.

How about a personal humidifier? This device hangs around the neck and purifies and humidifies your personal atmosphere. My kids blow raspberries at me all day, so my personal air space is plenty moist, thank you.

A CD stereo for the shower? First of all, I have perfected the two-minute shower. It'd take me a month of showering to get through 'In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida'. Besides, the kids would probably camp in the bathroom and force me to play Elmo sing-alongs. The thought of that screechy, little furball's voice reverberating around my shower stall would necessitate putting something much stronger than half-and-half in my morning coffee.

There's the shower radio with alarm clock and 20-second memo recorder. For those of us who enjoy sleeping while standing under running water, this is just the ticket. No more waiting for the hot water to run out to wake us anymore. No siree!

As for the 20-second memo recording feature, the thoughts I have while in the shower are along the lines of prayers that the kids don't find the permanent markers, or I really, really need to exercise more, or if I'm running short on time - deciding which leg to shave. It isn't as if a million-dollar idea is gonna hit me like a meteorite and I won't possibly be able to retain it until I towel off. Just for the sake of argument, let's say I make a few voice jottings while in the shower. Now what do I do? Toss the dripping unit in my purse and listen to it throughout the day? Sounds, um... convenient.

You can also use the recorder to leave messages. This is great! Mr. Wonderful climbs into the shower and notices the flashing light. He hits play and hears the sound of my voice echoing over the sound of running water. "Honey, by the time you hear this message you will understand what I meant by 'the water heater's been making funny noises.'" (Beep) "Hurry up in there! It's your turn to drive the carpool." (Beep) "Bad news - I used your good razor... Good news - only on one leg." (Beep)

There's the indoor bug collector that doubles as a black light. Yep you can trap those pesky moths and enjoy all those groovy velvet posters from your youth.

Ionizers anyone? Thanks to the marvels of "odor-neutralizing ozone" you can be virtually stink free in your own lifetime. Imagine freshening up bathrooms or clothing with ozone. There is even one designed to improve the scent of your pet. Groom Fido with an ionizing pet brush and buh-bye doggie B.O.. Call me old-fashioned, but I just clean the things that don't move and bathe the ones that do.

Enterprise, one to beam up.

Posted by mayor at April 3, 2005 11:37 PM

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