Something New Everyday

I was thinking that nothing much really happened this week, but in actuality, I learned a few things. For example, I learned how to use the word 'actuality' in a sentence. I want to share some of the random tidbits of wisdom that fell into my lap, much the same way the snow is falling into my yard right now. The main difference being that wisdom isn't nearly as cold and I learned a long time ago not to sit around with a lap full of snow.

I now know not to grocery shop with pregnant women because their eyes can never be bigger than their stomachs. My pregnant sister-in-law visited us this week and up until she showed up, I had actually lost a few pounds. Today, I feel like I'm going into my third trimester. Since there is no birth in my immediate future, this is not a good thing. Plus, I gave away most of my maternity clothes. Thank heavens I can work from home in my pj's.

I picked up this kid-related gem off the Internet from a mom/writer named Leah, "Never, ever, ever give a powdered-sugar donut to a two-year-old while you're trying to write, especially if you have brand-spanking new emerald green carpet." I leaned the corollary to this awhile ago. It has to do with beet juice and white walls, but I don't see the need to relive that moment right now.

I noticed this week that my kids have a Pavlovian response to the telephone. They can be happily playing in the other room, building Lego towers or working contentedly with crayons... until I pick up the phone. Immediately, they become adhered to my thighs like child-shaped clumps of cellulite, only much noisier. I learned that the volume and intensity of the kids' screaming is directly proportional to the importance of the call. In other words, when the phone solicitor calls from the cemetery, offering me a buy one plot, get one free deal, the kids are as good as gold. When I am interviewing someone for an article, the only way this person would be audible is if his voice were coming through the kind of speakers the Grateful Dead used to play for a crowd of 100,000+.

I confirmed my suspicion that my in-laws don't reserve their bizarre behavior just for the immediate family. Being weird around the house, in their hometown, and in front of us, apparently wasn't enough for them. They took their 'act' on the road as they led a group of crazed New Jersyites on a ski trip to the Austrian Alps and a side trip to Munich, Germany. Their stop in Munich coincided with Mardi Gras, so doing what any senior citizens would do, they made a spectacle of themselves. Bubbe and Poppa Paul, my beloved husband's parents, my children's grandparents, dressed up in full clown makeup and costumes and hit the streets of Munich. Bubbe, taking the whole Mardi Gras theme to her bosom so to speak, purchased a well-endowed fake plastic chest to wear under her costume. She whiled away many a pleasant moment "flashing" unsuspecting Germans. A large group of Japanese tourists mistook Bubbe and Poppa for some kind of surreal cultural event and politely requested to be photographed with them. Amid much bowing and smiling and with video cameras rolling, the photo-op was a big hit. I assume the photos and video footage are being aired on the Japanese version of "World's Most Embarrassing Tourists".

And most depressingly of all, I learned calendars lie and that I should give up hope that my chocolate stash will last until Spring. Judging from the rapid accumulation outside my window, it's clear that Spring won't arrive until July.

Posted by mayor at March 28, 2005 07:33 PM

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