Survey Says...?

Turn on the radio, fire up CNN.com, tune into the evening news, and almost invariably you'll see the results of "the latest poll." You name it, there's been a survey about it!

My first reaction when I hear about poll results is, who DID they talk to? Because the thing is, if I got a phone call at dinnertime asking me to take a quick poll put on by some agency that's supposedly not going to sell me something, I'd tell 'em to take a hike. Who's going to sit on the phone with a total stranger pouring out their deepest, most innermost feelings, when they could be eating dinner? Not anybody *I* know. Not anybody like me.

But if they said they'd pay me for my opinions, heck yeah...I'd take the time to complete the poll, saying whatever I thought they wanted to hear. And I have done that on many an occasion to try to qualify for some online paid survey. SURE, I'm an Eskimo male homeowner aged 50-55 with 4 kids earning over 100,000 a year and interested in buying an SUV in the next month!

Anyway, so every day you hear these poll results...from people who either had nothing better to do than talk to an interviewer, or people who got paid to do so. GREAT data sources. Now what are some of the things that we Americans are reporting?

7% of Americans believe Elvis is still alive.

Gosh, there's only 7% of us? Nah...I think he faked his death but he probably had a coronary and died on the spot when Lisa Marie married Jacko. (What WAS she thinking???)

8% of the US population regularly used illegal drugs in 2003.

Hmm...awfully close to that Elvis Lives statistic, huh. Coincidence? I think not.

11% of Americans responded to a spam email offer in 2003.

File this under People Who Screw Things Up for the Rest of Us. Do they not realize that they're the ones who keep spam going? If spam didn't get any response, there'd be no reason for spammers to send it! ARGH!

61% of Americans are overweight.
22% of Americans sleep in the nude.

For the sake of the Peeping Toms of the world, I hope the 22% aren't part of the 61%.

7% of Americans report that they themselves, or someone they know, had an encounter with a being from another planet.

I'm not so sure 7% of Americans aren't themselves beings from other planets. (See Jacko, above.)

20% of Americans think the sun orbits the Earth.
20% of Americans suffer from allergies.

Hmm...allergies cause stupidity? Or ignorance causes allergies? Maybe we should have a poll on that.

60% of Americans have internet access.

Okay, everybody, let's talk about the other 40% behind their backs! ;)

16% of Americans have at least one tattoo. Of the Americans who do not have a tattoo, 43% of them think people with tattoos are less attractive and 31% think they're less intelligent.

Yeah, but I can promise you, they ain't gonna tell Bubba the Biker Guy that. Nosiree, those tattoos are very distinguished and they make you look so smart! Can you please not kill me now?

23% of adult Americans favor abolishing the penny.

Hmm...does that mean we need to round up that statistic to 25%? And what are we gonna say: "A nickel saved is a nickel earned," "a nickel for your thoughts," and we'll call a tightwad a "nickel-pincher"? Okay, no, that's just weird.

18% of American women report having had a migraine at some time.

Yeah, and 98% of them report telling their husbands they had one after a long day with a screaming baby.

68 percent of Americans believe the entertainment industry has lost touch with the moral standards of the audience.
The average TV set is on during the day for 7 hours and 12 minutes.

Darnit, it's so immoral...but I can't turn it off!

Well, while this has been fun, it's time for me to join the 68% of Americans who cook over gas and go cook some supper for my young'uns. But the next time you get a phone call from someone doing a survey, maybe you should take a second and give 'em your thoughts. Stand up and be counted! But if it's about nude bodysurfing in January, watch out -- we may make fun of you here next time!

Posted by at March 31, 2005 04:04 PM

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